The bright green wheat fields are starting to turn a tinge of gold here, hearkening my awareness back to a memory from ten years ago, which I’d not thought of in awhile. So… a story:
Ten years ago at this time, I was seven months pregnant with my son. I’d been in a doctorate program to get my DPT in physical therapy, but now found myself without a clear plan or direction. I’d gone back to school to study physical therapy for two reasons:
- After my dear friend Patrick had died in an accident two years earlier, causing me to question the purpose of my own life, I had awakened to a desire for more meaning and fulfillment in my life. And because I was racing triathlons and obsessed with discovering all I could about human performance, physical therapy seemed the perfect fit for my interests and my newfound desire to help people in a more meaningful way.
- Physical therapy would give me a steady income. (I had been doing freelance website design and development previously, but without any business savvy it was more of a hobby than an income.) And a steady income would give me a financial foundation from which I could leave my marriage. I’d known for years that I needed to get out of this toxic relationship, but without money or a clear path or direction, I felt powerless to do anything about it.
Once I’d gotten accepted into PT school in 2007, I felt lighter, more hopeful, more optimistic – which translated to working on my marriage, too. All that took was one weekend and shortly thereafter I discovered, much to my surprise, that I was pregnant. I’d wanted to be a mom for years, but at 35, since it hadn’t happened yet, I’d given up hope and had finally, after much tumultuous heart-wrenching, come to peace with the possibility of never being a mom – instead putting all of my energy into physical therapy and “mothering” patients instead.
When I discovered I was pregnant, my entire world simultaneously lit up and crashed. Lit up – because I’d wanted to be a mom for so long, and here it was, a dream come true. Crashed – because intuitively, instantly, devastatingly, I knew –
- my marriage was over (I knew we would never be able to parent in the same household due to our diametrically opposed values, and our relationship was not strong enough to navigate conflict in a healthy way), and
- my “plan” and “marital exit strategy” of physical therapy had just been blown up by the Big Kahuna – the great cosmic design that had other plans for me. I knew that I did not want to be in a 70-hour-a-week doctorate program (plus 20 hours a week commuting) with a newborn. I knew the kind of mom I wanted to be, and it was NOT THAT.
I went to the graduate school and spoke with the department head, who agreed to give me a one-year deferment on my spot in the doctorate program while I figured out what to do. So when the semester ended that May, I entered the great void of the Unknown — feeling powerless, directionless, and terrified.
My beautiful son, however, remained a calm, steady presence in my belly, reminding me that “all is well” and inviting me to trust in the Mystery, day after day. Turning my obsession with learning and human performance to my pregnancy, I studied everything I could about childbirth and crafted my plans for a homebirth, determined to bring my son into the world in the most natural way possible. My then husband, however, had other plans, all of which included the maximum hospital interventions possible, constant monitoring during pregnancy, and in all ways violating every desire I had about what I believed was supposed to be the most sacred and spiritual experience of my life.
Our already rocky marriage reached new lows in the power struggle that ensued, and the depth of my felt sense of powerlessness, amplified by pregnancy hormones, turned into suicidal depression in which I spent day after day sobbing on the sofa, dreaming up ways to end it all and many times walking out to the gun safe in the garage, staring at it and sobbing uncontrollably, unable to take the next step but unable to find any relief in any other way either.
On top of that, I loaded a layer of guilt, knowing full well that my unborn child in my belly was feeling the depth of my emotion and that I was imprinting him energetically with toxic energy, and feeling wholly responsible for it all.
One hot summer day, laden with despair, guilt, and the dark bleakness that my existence had become, I just started walking.
Seven months pregnant, I walked for miles down dusty gravel roads through the fields near my house…. walking… walking… to where I didn’t know… just anywhere.
I left the road and walked through a wheat field, stirring up dust and chaff that coated my skin while the hot summer sun scorched me from above.
Walking…. Walking…. Wanting to get lost… to find a hole in the ground that would swallow me up and end the suffering once and for all.
Far out in the center of the vast field, I fell down and lay there spread eagle in the dirt, lost amidst the dusty golden stalks of wheat.
I dared the dirt to open up and let me plunge to the center of the earth. It did not.
I dared the sun to give me answers. It did not.
I dared the wheat to give me solace. It did not.
I lay there for who knows how long, empty, defeated, done.
No miraculous insight or breeze wafted new possibilities my way … it was just me and the bleakness and flatness of the dirt.
Eventually, the impulse arose to stand back up and start moving again. To what? For what? I didn’t know and didn’t care. Walking… walking… I found myself walking back down the same dusty road toward my house.
A rusty farm pickup came rumbling by. “Are you okay? Do you need any help?”
It occurred to me that I was probably a sight to the young farmhand — dusty and disheveled and quite pregnant, shuffling down a gravel road in the middle of nowhere.
But how would I even begin to explain any of it? Am I okay? Do I need help? You have no idea. I couldn’t even fathom how I’d begin to find words.
“Nah, I’m just out for a walk, thanks though.” I replied as if it were the most normal thing in the world to, you know, be out for a walk, taking care of my pregnancy fitness, getting fresh air, blah blah blah.
I don’t remember how things played out after that. Obviously, I went home, carried on, one step at a time, and got through it.
- Two months later my son was born – at home, with minimal intervention from the midwives.
- A few months later, I knew that PT school was too limiting — I wanted a more integral approach, including the energetics of healing, but what? I let go of my spot in the doctorate program.
- Shortly thereafter my intuition guided me to start laughing as a practice to move energy.
- A few weeks after that my intuition told me clearly it was time to file for divorce, even if I didn’t have a clue how I’d support myself and my son (then age one).
- And thus started my experiment of living on trust and laughter to see what happens when I choose joy and just keep choosing it, which led to years of experimenting with laughter and play as energy work and the creation of the Quantum Play modality … and the rest is history.
But today —
This morning, that memory of the wheat field flashed into my awareness, and I found myself back in the dirt, cradling that desperate and scared self in my own loving arms, telling her the things that I wish I’d known back then. That it was all going to be okay, that I am stronger than I will ever even know, that this too shall pass and there’s a gift in it all that I won’t discover until later.
This morning I wept tears of compassion for that version of me, the one that so honestly believed that there was no way out, that felt so crushed by all of life, the one that could only see bleakness in the midst of a vibrant field of golden wheat.
And this morning I was gifted a new vision, too. For the last month especially I’ve had a more crystal clear and visceral sense of the team of angels that are with me all the time – as well as a new depth of empowerment around asking them for specific support to handle specific things, and feeling daily awe and amazement at the way things are being handled.
From this place of deep gratitude for the support I now feel myself experiencing and receiving as normal and continuous, this morning I saw that memory of myself walking… walking… walking down that dusty gravel road once again, t-shirt and shorts coated in dirt.
But this time, I saw that same team of angels hovering around me on that gravel road. They were there. I couldn’t see them or sense them at the time, of course.
But the illusion of existential aloneness I felt at the time was merely that – an illusion.
Even in the darkest moments, I wasn’t alone.
Today, ten years later, I’m in awe of the perfection of how it’s all played out – the perfect setup for darkness in order to rediscover the light, the perfect setup for the illusion of powerlessness in order to rediscover my power, the perfect setup for the total and complete forgetting of Who I Really Am in order to Remember.
And what I see today, that I had no clue about ten years ago, is that we are in this moment living in such an incredible time of transformation, of reclaiming our power from the patterns that have created such suffering, of clearing them from our nervous systems and energy fields — and of being the personal embodiment of the collective traumas so that as we do our transformational inner work, we also transform the entire hologram.
Those of us called to be healers and transformational leaders in these tumultuous times have all lived our own versions of hell.
Bleakness. Rock bottom. Darkness.
Because it couldn’t be any other way.
Only by immersing ourselves completely into living the patterns, can we discover the power of our own alchemy to liberate ourselves from the energies of suppression, codependence , subjugation, powerlessness, abuse, control, shame, guilt, and the rest.
And as we remember how to use our superhuman powers of alchemy and the healing power of Love to transform our own lives and experiences, we become vessels of healing, transformation, and light in the world – agents of change in the shift in consciousness on the planet right now.
And our laboratories for growth have been intense! Abusive marriages, control and manipulation, betrayal, sexual abuse, financial catastrophes, crazy physical diseases and ailments, toxic bosses, total depletion and exhaustion, depression, deaths of loved ones, chronic financial stress, the list goes on and on.
All of it has been an evolutionary catalyst for our own Remembering and the Reclaiming of our Power as Conscious Creators, co-creating WITH the flow of life as conscious participants in the creative process.
And now it’s our time to shine brightly. To use the tools we’ve learned and the wisdom we’ve gained, to step into leadership – true LEADERSHIP – and let our stories, our energy, and our presence create a ripple effect of love, compassion, truth, goodness, and beauty in the world.
Everything we’ve lived has been preparing us for RIGHT NOW – the moment in which the world is calling us forth. People in various stages of suffering, suppression, limitation, pain, and unconsciousness need EXACTLY the tools, wisdom, stories, and energies that you and I have been “training” for all these years.
Your suffering has not been for naught. Nor has mine. But for us to harness the power of all that we really are, we’ve got to say a whole-hearted YES to the life that is calling us forward – into leadership, impact, contribution, visibility, and a deeper discovery of our power to co-create the world that we know is possible in our hearts.
It’s time to clear the residue of powerlessness from our cells and reclaim our power to speak up and ask for what we want, need, and choose.
It’s time to embody a new vibrational frequency of creative power – one that’s empowered, sensual, vibrant, abundant, bold, badass, and clear.
It’s time to quit hiding behind our own fears of our greatness and claim the destiny that each of us has – to CHANGE THE WORLD because we showed up fully for the life that we are here to live. Not because anything needs changing, but because the inherent power of WHO YOU REALLY ARE is so powerful that you can’t NOT create a ripple of goodness in the world.
You’re here because the work that you do, the passion you have, the calling of your soul, is one that contributes to the healing of our world.
You are a voice of compassion, inclusivity, mindfulness, transformation, possibility, human potential, creative power, sustainability, and generosity in the world.
And guess what – YOUR VOICE MATTERS RIGHT NOW MORE THAN EVER.
Yep, there are things you need to do strategically and tactically in your life and business to set up structures and systems that allow your message to get out and you to receive abundant income in exchange for your gifts. And you’ll get those things set up, have no doubt. That’s the easy part.
But until you have fully reclaimed your power as a CREATOR of life itself – clearing the energies and releasing the ways in which you dim your light and fear success and hide from your greatness and let the paradigm of suppression and subjugation continue to run your life — you are simply not going to be a vibrational match for the ideas and resources that let the “business” side of things be easy.
You’ve got to clean up, clear out, and repattern the dense energies in your body, release the old habits of behavior and communication that have held you back, and EMBODY THE SOVEREIGN GODDESS OF CREATION THAT YOU ARE.
It’s our time, friends.
- It means a whole fucking life overhaul into a radically new way of being.
- It means TRUSTING YOURSELF TO DO WHAT FEELS RIGHT IN YOUR BODY and having the courage to say “NO” to everything else.
- It means roto-rooting through the layers of conditioned assumptions about what’s possible for you and unearthing and VALUING the radiant GOLD of YOUR UNIQUE PURPOSE and the note that you are here to play in the symphony of life, and embodying and expressing it unapologetically, unequivocally, uninhibitedly.
- It means doing whatever the fuck you feel like doing, because that’s what is being called for in this moment, without second guessing yourself and doubting yourself and making yourself wrong about being you.
- It means doing what is alive RIGHT NOW not what you “should” do or what your coach says or what’s on your “to-do” list and TRUSTING YOURSELF and your entire whole-being-intelligence THAT KNOWS HOW TO BE YOU more effectively and joyfully than ANYthing or anyone else in the history of existence.
- It means opening your heart SO WIDE that you envelop yourself and your shame and the unlovable parts of your past in such a massive field of compassion that the alchemy BURNS THROUGH the darkness and incinerates it into ashes from which the Phoenix of You takes flight.
- It means learning to trust – I mean REALLY TRUST – your joy, your compass, your highest excitement, to guide you, and developing this relationship with your soul so that you can walk through FIRE and never feel alone or uncertain because you KNOW what truth feels like in your body with unwavering certainty.
- It means no longer tolerating that level of overwhelm, overbusy, struggle, and stagnation you’ve been tolerating as “normal” and instead upleveling your nervous system to feel and create FLOW as normal and sustainable.
- It means developing a whole new toolbox of practices that allow you to rendezvous with the infinite field of intelligence anytime, anywhere, on any topic, and ALWAYS source the support, wisdom, and information you need, period.
- It means LIVING YOUR LIFE FROM THE INSIDE OUT. Sovereign. Empowered. Radiant. And RIDICULOUSLY FUN.
We are upleveling to a whole new gear of awesomeness, my friends.
And now, I’m going to head out to a nearby wheat field to meditate. Sit amidst the life-giving stalks and give profound thanks. And reconnect with the dirt and the poignant power of Mother Earth, always supporting us all, even when we can’t notice or appreciate it.