By the age of 5, I had already firmly rejected my femininity, having at some level decided that girly-ness equated to weakness — and weak, I was NOT. In kindergarten, the most rowdy boy went around lifting up the girls’ skirts and peering underneath, laughing as he went. I vowed to never wear a skirt or dress again… which I didn’t for years. All through elementary school, I took pride in the fact that I could run faster than most boys, throw the ball farther than most boys, and climb trees higher than anyone I knew.
To be a girl, meant to be STOPPED. Stopped by fear. (“Eeek! There’s a spider!”) Stopped by self-consciousness. (“Do these jeans make me look fat?”) Stopped by unspoken rules about what girls and women were and were not allowed to do.
In my childhood perception, the only way to have power was to be male.
That’s what I saw modeled everywhere I looked.
And damn if I was going to be stuck without power.
I wanted to do it all — live a big life, feel the wind in my face, go fast, go far.
When I hit puberty, I felt betrayed by my body. I’d felt strong in my androgynous appearance and tomboy ways, but now my changing body became undeniably female, and I hated it.
I felt most like myself when I was out on my horse, galloping at full speed, wind in my face, totally free to be me — free from social expectations and concerns about fitting in.
Being female got worse when I was shunned and ostracized in high school, being shamed and teased after being raped and then being told I must have initiated it, because I must be a slut.
Two abusive marriages reinforced the subconscious belief that to be female is to be powerless, by creating evidence time and time again that reinforced that energetic pattern.
I don’t know what my five-year-old self would have thought, if I’d known then that my soul’s purpose, my karma and dharma, was to be oriented around decoding this pattern — to learn how to integrate POWER and FEMININITY in a new way.
(My five-year-old laughs, as she reminds me that she WAS doing that already, by climbing the tallest trees just for the joy of it.
The last 15 years have been about learning how to be fully me, and how to harness the life energy I experience as POWER in a way that is generative, creative, and leads to more desirable outcomes.
It’s meant healing, catharsis, and deepening my understanding of how reality works and the function of suffering in my personal and our collective evolution.
It’s meant learning how to fully express the essence of me in the context of what some people call “creating a business” but for me it’s just creating the infrastructure that lets me do the work that feels like play, on a schedule that maximizes my creative flow.
It’s meant finding my way into tantric bliss and the power of raw desire, sensuality, and multiorgasmic sexual pleasure as a force of creation.
It’s meant being astonished by my own spontaneous desire to shop for stiletto heels, after decades of choosing only sensible footwear.
It’s meant a journey into completely unfamiliar territory — of embracing the gifts and strengths of being female, and learning how to blaze a new path into a way of being, a way of mothering my own son, a way of doing business, that is forged from the whisperings of my own heart and the same intrinsic drive that led me to climb trees and gallop my horse through the fields at full speed.
I’ve been reflecting on why life has been so clearly guiding me to host my 3-day in-person event next month, and what UNSTOPPABLE means given the current context we’re all living.
And while I’ve done a really good job of avoiding this mission (for years!), my awareness continues to be pointed in the direction of having more conversations around this — >> the intrinsic value of integrated feminine leadership.
We’ve all got our stories and experiences of how our power has been suppressed, diminished, ridiculed, or shamed. We’ve inherited collective psychic structures that perpetuate the mother wound, and social structures that prioritize patriarchal values.
And… this is our work — to metabolize the shadows we’ve inherited, to be the alchemists that create something new, to harness the latent power that’s been bound up in these patterns, and use it to build a new world.
We get to learn to live and lead and use our power in ways that create more connection, more trust, more freedom, and deeper fulfillment.
I always joke that I’m always the last one to find out what I’m doing, given that I live by following the energy, trusting my intuition, saying “yes” even when it makes no sense, and then only in hindsight discovering the greater intelligence at work behind it all.
And this time is no different. The curriculum and content I’m sharing at Unstoppable in Jackson Hole next month is the methodology I’ve been creating, testing, and refining for a decade — a framework and process that creates connection, trust, fulfillment, freedom, and flow, for all of us who are feeling called to leverage the radical uncertainty of these times to reinvent ourselves and our world.
It’s about learning how to direct life energy — not into conditioned patterns that create more suffering, stress, and exhaustion, but consciously direct this power into embodied freedom and actions that truly transform our individual and collective experience.
I won’t go as far as to call it a gathering for modern-day tomboys, but my sense is that all of us who are coming together, are ridiculously powerful each in our own way, and are getting to discover and embody our own relationship with feminine energy and power in astounding new ways.
As for the photos here… I still have access to my tomboy self (and sensible footwear) but now I have a much broader range of what’s available for me to choose, without rejecting or suppressing any part of me.
I pulled out this photo this morning, not because I wear stiletto heels every day, but because it represents a liberation and freedom that I’ve given my life for — and will continue to give my life energy to.
These photos were taken about 40 years apart. I wonder what pictures I’ll be taking 40 years from now? (By then we’ll be like “photos? I remember those days!” And everything will be accessible via hologram instead. Or something.)
Here’s to the liberation of authentic, aligned power, whatever that looks like for you.