Let’s talk about managing anger.
The Achievement paradigm says: “manage” your emotions as they are a distraction that prevents you from achieving your goals. True success means that you’ve “managed” your emotions so much that you can be very productive and thus ensure that you achieve what you said you were going to achieve. From this paradigm, emotions are compartmentalized (along with the body) as something of a nuisance, irrelevant to ACTUAL success, which is one’s achievement of goals.
This, of course, is also the paradigm in which people get to “the top” and discover that while they have everything they thought they wanted, they are not actually truly happy, they don’t know what ‘joy’ is, and they don’t even know who they really are. But now they have to keep up the achievements so they don’t lose everything they’ve worked so hard to create. This maintenance of the external “shell” of success becomes a trap, one they can’t escape because everything appears to be at stake – including and especially the status they’ve worked so hard to attain.
And yet… the emptiness inside… They can’t talk about it (who would understand?) and instead stay busy to avoid feeling it, which leads to playing “whack a mole” with the emotions like anger that just keep popping up — obviously in need of “management,” which is actually a euphemism for “control.”
None of this is sustainable, of course, but the illusion of control serves to keep one from feeling out of control, which is possible when one feels anger. And if one has subconsciously associated “out of control” with danger, either by feeling that one will be threatened or lose something important if not in control, or by feeling that one might harm another if out of control, then you can see how control becomes the dominant priority, with “management” serving as the socially acceptable way of addressing it.
The “shell” of the Encrusted Self thus remains intact, ensuring that the soul cannot fly.
The Alignment paradigm says: Your identity as an ego whose primary purpose is to achieve goals is the false setup that, while compelling, limits your experience of fulfillment, freedom, and joy – the things that you think the goals will provide for you. In fact, you are a shimmering matrix of energy – a mishmash of vibrational frequencies that resonate with and call to you the people and experiences that are resonant with the frequencies that you hold.
Your true essence has a particular frequency – that which I call “your note in the symphony of life.” We might also refer to it as your tone or your instrument – like the moment the French Horn pierces the orchestra hall with that perfect D-flat that reverberates in your bones and makes you weep for the beauty of existence, for the unspeakable quality of aliveness it touches within you. Or the high note that emerges from the soprano – the one that stirs your soul and evokes the imagery of angelic realms, or simply takes your breath away with the beauty of its expression.
So you’re this particular note – and the instrument that plays it – and yet you’ve been encrusted with barnacles that diminish the reverberation of your note – sometimes to the point that you can’t even hear your own note amidst the cacophony of everyone else’s noise. The removal of barnacles is a big piece of your soul’s journey in this lifetime, and there are many. But for this particular topic, we are exploring the role of Anger as it pertains to you fully actualizing your purpose and potential, and being who you are fully here to be in this lifetime.
So. Remembering that you are simply a flow of energy, always in motion, always seeing through the lens of perception that has been distorted by the many barnacles of diminished aliveness, the role of emotions is simply to provide feedback as to 1) What barnacles your instrument is encrusted with and 2) Your capacity to experience people and circumstances from the perspective of Oneness. So let’s look at the layers:
What Anger is telling you, from this lens, is that there’s a way your boundaries are being or have been violated in the past. In the present moment, there’s likely a need for you to express yourself powerfully and clearly, to take a stand for your position, and your Anger is letting you know that. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you direct the energy of Anger at another person, although there are times when that is called for. But rather, your Anger is your power, getting your attention so you take a stand for what you value.
But beneath the current circumstances, it’s possible that the situation has arisen to “pop the cork” on some bottled up Anger that’s been stored in your body, perhaps for a very long time. This bottled up Anger is a barnacle that has been dampening your note in the symphony, diminishing your power to create the life your soul truly desires. So… thank goodness this event has come up, so it can open up the door for the release of this stored energy!
If you let yourself feel the Anger, and let it guide your awareness to the first time you felt this particular way, it may show you an incident or event from your past in which you felt powerless, you were violated in some way, you were treated in a way that didn’t respect you, and you didn’t have use of your voice or your voice wasn’t heard. It’s a particular vibrational frequency that was activated in a previous experience, that wasn’t resolved.
You don’t have to relive the experience or go hunting through your psyche looking for it; it will come up if you need to see it. If no memories come up, no problem, just work with the feeling. Your job now is to let yourself feel this frequency of Anger fully. It’s been suppressed and buried and told it is “not allowed.” Which means, it will just keep coming up until it gets to be seen and heard and felt and witnessed. You can do it now, or you can do it later, but until it’s felt and witnessed, it will keep creating circumstances that trigger it, until you finally let yourself be with it and allow it to be felt.
The saying “feel it to heal it” comes from this alchemical process.
With Anger, there are multiple layers. Anger reconnects you with your power. And also, Anger also serves as a lid that covers a much, much deeper fear – usually a stored memory of being utterly powerless, helpless, perhaps immobilized or “frozen with fear,” perhaps unable to speak or to be heard.
To work with Anger, you must first make friends with it. Remember that it’s an ally, giving you clues that are helping you to liberate your note in the symphony of life. And remember that it is loaded with intelligence – guiding you to reconnect fragmented parts of you and restoring your power in ways that are deeply trustable, even if you’ve been trained to think that anger is “bad.”
Practical suggestion:
- Create a space where you can feel anger safely, without harming others or property. Sometimes parking your car in a remote spot and letting yourself roar and scream curse words is enough. Other times, physical expression is helpful to move it through your body. The modern trend of “Axe Throwing” shops provides a safe and healthy outlet to harness this energy, while imagining that you are throwing the axe at the unsavory target of your choice (in your minds eye, of course). Beating cardboard boxes with a baseball bat is another option, plus of course the more familiar “punch your pillow” prescription we’ve often heard. The point here is not simply to vent and rage, even if it looks like it. You are allowing yourself to feel what your own power feels like in this expression (pay attention to your interior as much as you can – your chest, stomach, hips, heart) and you are also creating the conditions in which you can let yourself “lose control” and allow this potent energy to move through you unrestricted, after decades of suppression. Once you discover that you do not need to fear your own anger, you can feel it more readily and in socially-appropriate doses that do not require this compartmentalization anymore.
One purpose this serves, is that there is a small scared part of you that has not felt safe, and has not felt protected. Once you are allowing yourself to be inhabited by this ferocity in a conscious way, you begin to discover that you ARE the protector that a younger you longed for, from an energetic perspective. No, the younger version of you wasn’t able to be protected, and shit happened, but with that came a fragmenting of self that suppressed the part of you that IS incredibly powerful and that IS capable of protecting those who are vulnerable. It’s possible that you’ve felt an impulse to care for or protect others who are less fortunate or less resourced, and have demonstrated that you have a fierce protective side with strong values. That is this energy at work – guiding you toward resolution of the fragmentation that has been lodged in the unconscious for decades, perhaps even lifetimes.
So the next piece is to feel your own Protector Energy. The part of you that says “not on my watch” and spins ninja nunchuks and is fully capable of annihilating those who threaten that which is sacred and vulnerable. If you wish to embody this, create a character that is the archetype of this kind of energy.
Embodiment:
Step into a posture, costume, movement, or play-acting that brings this character to life in an imaginary screenplay. Include your voice. Add sound effects, vocalizations, and facial expressions that capture the energy of this fierce protector that nobody dares mess with. This is part of you – a very real part of you – that gets to be naturally integrated and harmonized in your everyday experience, free from drama. Only when you’ve found this aspect of yourself, can you go forth into the world as one who can take a stand against outrageous injustice, and truly effect change.
But you’re not done yet. Now that you’ve begun to integrate your own Protector, it’s time to turn your awareness to the very tender, vulnerable part of you that felt profound fear and powerlessness. This has its own vibrational frequency, and has likely called to you many experiences over and over that activate this same feeling of powerlessness or being beaten or violated or somehow losing something important or sacred to you. This is precious, priceless territory, that needs tender attention. It won’t reveal itself until it feels safe – which is why you must activate your own Protector energy so that you create an energetic field of safety within yourself.
Again, let yourself feel this feeling. This may stir up tremendous resistance, because the encrusted personality has devoted itself to making sure you never feel this feeling again. You’ve protected yourself from this feeling by putting up a heart wall that ensures you never feel this, so have compassion for yourself if you don’t want to feel it or can’t access the feeling. It may feel like grief, in which you may shed buckets of cathartic tears as you allow it to cleanse yourself. It may feel like despair, in which case you may wish to call on a trusted friend, therapist, healer, shaman, or partner to be with you as you navigate the intensity of the sensations. But whatever arises, know that you can handle feeling it, otherwise it wouldn’t be coming up.
From this place, listen for what the “cry for help” is, within you. If a memory presented itself, let it put words to the pain, in a single sentence, word, or phrase. What is the most potent word or phrase that captures the deepest pain? Let yourself think and feel that, and all that is stored in the vibrational frequency of this trapped energy, as you breathe slowly, slowly, slowly….
The Practice:
Exhale to the count of 12, slowly, repeating the painful phrase silently. Imagine that there is a giant “vent” that is opening in and around your body, through which this heaviness is pouring out of you. Remember that the energy WANTS to escape, it WANTS to flow out of you, it has been WANTING to leave, but it can’t if you don’t do this step. No matter how painful the discomfort, remember this will not last forever – you are enduring a few minutes of discomfort, to end this pattern once and for all in your life.
Inhale to the count of 12, slowly, repeating the painful phrase silently. Repeat the long slow inhales and exhales until you feel it lighten, soften, and release. Sometimes this happens after just a few breath cycles. Other times it may linger for hours, in which case just trust the process, don’t feel like there’s anything wrong, stay with it and let it uncoil itself from your system at its own pace. There is no rush, and there is a larger intelligence at work. Your job is simply to allow it to be there, to feel it without resistance or expectation, to let this energy inhabit you temporarily as it unhooks from all the ways it has been stuck inside you for years.
Exhale for twelve counts, imagining the heavy energy pouring out of your body, through the soles of your feet into the earth.
Inhale for twelve counts, as the heaviness continues to pour out of you, through your feet, your belly, your solar plexus.
Continue to check in with yourself, by saying the painful phrase you identified earlier. When you say the thing, does it feel lighter now? Does it feel untrue? Continue until that phrase or “cry for help” loses any kind of charge, and your body softens and relaxes. You should feel a lightening, a release, or a sense of relief.
Once the powerless fear has been neutralized, say a silent thank you to yourself for being willing to feel everything. Say a silent thank you to your younger self, who endured painful experiences and held on to so much pain for so long, unwittingly contributing to the development of your gifts and talents that came from this particular flavor of suffering. And say a silent thank you to your Anger, for guiding you to this hidden chamber of your power.
From here, create some space to journal and reflect on what this has meant for you.
Reflection questions:
- This place inside you that felt powerless, has contained some gifts along the way. How has it helped you to develop the gifts and talents and passions that you currently have? How has it informed your values? How might it actually hold an important aspect of your Power that you never could access before?
- Your Anger is an ally that connects you with your power. How have you previously related with Anger? If Anger were a human, would it feel like you treated it as a friend? An outcast? A partner? How will you relate with Anger from now on? What wisdom have you gained from Anger?
- Now that you’ve connected with both your Protector and a new aspect of your Power, what becomes possible? What are you no longer available for in your life and relationships? What becomes top priority, that was being suppressed before? How might this integration express in your life and in our world?
The next time the person or circumstance arises that would have previously triggered Anger, notice how you respond. Notice what new responses have become available to you, effortlessly. Notice how you are holding yourself in the situation. Notice how far you’ve come. And if there is still residue of the old pattern, simply repeat the process.
Each time you do this process, you release another encrusted “barnacle” that’s been dampening your note in the symphony.
You release a trapped emotion that’s been diminishing your power and potency to create the life you’re here to create.
You allow more creative power to pour through you, magnetizing new experiences that bring flow and delight rather than frustration and resentment.
And by welcoming the intelligence of your emotions, you allow your note to be expressed in the symphony of life with greater beauty and reverberation – which translates into more freedom, fulfillment, and joy for you, more harmonious relating with others, and greater flow in all of your experiences.
Rather than “manage” or control, you’ve discovered the profound wisdom that lies within when you lean in with presence, and simply allow. The intelligence of life knows what to do and how to resolve anything, our job is to work with it and release the ways we’ve been blocking the greater intelligence from doing its thing.
One last thing: if you’re in a situation where circumstances are triggering anger, remember: it’s a good sign.
You wouldn’t be calling such experiences to you, if you weren’t stepping into a greater version of you that actually can’t be embodied until this old barnacle is addressed. So life is actually conspiring to help you live your dream, by revealing what’s ready to be cleaned up, so you can live it. The frequency that was buried in all of this, is not compatible with the frequency you’re stepping into, so you’ve got to do the housecleaning. It’s a sign that ALL IS WELL and unfolding perfectly, even (and especially if) it feels the opposite. You can’t be listening to and playing music on one radio station, if your instrument is blaring old tunes from another station.
This is a sign of your expansion.
Trust the process.